Why do I get so easily hurt?

I'm just gonna start writing and see what will come out of this. I am feeling highly confident at the moment, so let's embrace the short inspirational period. The best thought that come out of my mind are the ones flowing freely, without overthinking how to construct the next sentence, or will it have any particular order or not. Sense does not need to be ensured. I just need to get this over with, I'll feel a whole lot better after it. I see it coming.

I miss Jake. I know I am also the one to blame, could've sent a simple 'Hey, I wonder are you alive...' and ignore the fact that he hasn't been replying on my last e-mail. I know he has a lot to deal with, live hasn't been that kind towards him. I hope he found his way. But I guess I'll never know. It's been two months since we last talked. Feels kind of more. But it always does on nights like these.

He always got my point. He always had the right words for the right situation. He was experienced I guess, wise, so to say. But still, being an introvert does leave you a whole lot of time to overthink life. Or watch movies. Or read books. All the same.

Sebastian on the other hand. He would always make me sad. The fact that he was constantly feeling down, made me always want to cheer him up. Even I wasn't obliged to. Negativity draws negativity and I just got sucked up in it. I would feel bad about myself when I did not give him what he wanted. But I never could. It still feels weird. He meant so much once. And now I don't even know what to say to him anymore. That is just the worst part, but I never get any wiser out of it. I still don't know what I did wrong, or what he did. Maybe the timing was wrong, it wasn't supposed to be? I have no clue.

(sighs)

I happen to think I am a positive person by choice. Okay, everyone has its ups and downs. Dark periods, but I am raised to know better. I always think of my mothers face in times like these. She always knows when something isn't right. You can not hide a slightest thing from that woman. It's crazy. Mad woman, She would just start kissing me and hugging me, and make that childish face and say ' don't you be sad, look at me.' and it all looked like second grade business. I mean, mom, why can't you give me some reasonable advice. But it helped nevertheless. I miss mom.

And I am far away from home. In a place I can not call my own, even if I'd like to.

There are just so many things that are not right. But I already feel to pushy. I would like them to care more about me. But care can not be forced. Nor can trust. And all the disappointment originates from one simple cause, I always give in more than I receive. That is the problem, my heart is the problem, and thinking everyone else has one as big, too.

But from the other hand I understand them too. Their are leading their normal little lifes and I am the outsider here. Why should I all of a sudden be a vital part of their day? Why would they need to remember to text me? Ask me how I feel or have I slept well? How could I earn that? With what? I mean, you have to earn these things, they won't be handed down on a silver plate. Life is not that easy. Or maybe it is and I am unable to live it right... Wouldn't be the first time.

I am not easy on trust. Especially not with something very important. I am used to doing things on my own. I am, finally, the only person I know won't fail me. I can not fail myself. Like I said, even to lifelong friends I still have that unpleasant feeling of anxiety when trusting something important to do. I am used to doing things on my own. Because I am always expecting so little from others. At least I am used to getting that, Even Jelena I don't trust with everything, and she's like the highlight of me giving trust.

I am not mad at you, just disappointed and that is a feeling far worse. You're not making it any easier and I don't want to start fights, not now. I'm only 7 more weeks here. Time flies, and I probably won't ever see you again so I don't want to end things badly.

I am perfectly positive. Crying is fine. It means letting go. Shaking it off. It feels better, even though you do feel a bit lightheaded in the morning. Just remember to drink fluids. Just exactly what Seba would say. I just guess I miss a lot of people. I don't want to miss any more.